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A DECADE AT-RISK INSPIRES HOPE FOR THE FUTURE
By Rabbi Shaya Cohen

As a teenager in Priority-1’s alternative high school, Torah Academy, Yossi’s drug involvement was sure to lead to serious legal troubles in the future… Four years later he’s learning in Yeshivas Brisk in Yerushalayim. He’s gone from at-risk to Brisk!

Yaakov’s situation was so bad that even an alternative high school was too much for him – he dropped out mid-year. Just a few months later, he was stirred, like many of us, by the catastrophic events of 9/11. Now he has found his way back to Yeshiva and is enjoying tremendous success in his learning.

After just six months in the Torah Academy, Avi is already on his way to a complete return. When asked what sparked this quick change in his behavior he answered simply, “You believed in me.”

The good news is that after a decade of some of the most serious attrition from the Yeshiva world, many young people have finally returned to the distinguished ranks of Bnei and Bnos Torah. The bad news is that the Yeshiva drop-out/at-risk phenomenon continues to spiral out of control. Yet, the experiences of the last decade have taught us many lessons about dealing with these issues and reversing the sad direction of these precious young lives.

Rashi says in Parshas Devarim that Yaakov did not want to reprimand his illustrious, righteous son Reuven for fear that Reuven might turn away from him and connect with his wicked uncle Eisav. Need more be said about the potentially devastating effects of criticism?

To stem the tide of young adults turning away from Torah and constructive living, we must also let them feel validation from their families, friends and the frum community. This, of course, can often be a long and complex process. First, the very family and community that turned them off must turn back to them with acceptance. Once the feelings of guilt and worthlessness begin to subside they can begin to feel that we love them for who they are rather than who we want them to be. Once we begin to believe in them they can start to believe in themselves. Indeed, most young people who drift from Yiddishkeit and constructive living seem to be plagued by a lack of happiness with their religious environment.

In our holy language, Lashon Hakodesh, the root of a word defines the essence of its concept. An advanced form of internal happiness is referred to as “Osher.” The root of this word is the concept of “validation” (LeAsher). When a person feels personally validated, he or she feels happy. Happiness is about validation. If our homes, schools and communities validate our children, they will be happy with them and with themselves. If they are happy, they will not want to drift away from their environment. We must learn how to maximize the opportunities for our children to find validation.

ONE SIZE FITS NONE
When dealing with young people in trouble it is important to be able to look at each person as an individual and not to deny that there may be a problem. Unfortunately, denial very often exacerbates the problem. Well-meaning parents are often so caught up in the social stigma of raising an at-risk teen (i.e., community acceptance, shidduch prospects, etc.) that they ignore the problem until it spirals out of control. Parents must be prepared to acknowledge the problems if they arise and deal with them head-on by consulting professional help when needed. They will find that by bringing professional assistance into the picture they can relieve themselves of much of the pain and heartache associated with raising troubled teens.

PROFESSIONAL HELP THE TORAH WAY
Substance abuse and addiction, anti-social behavior and promiscuity are very real issues in the Jewish community. The true extent of these problems would shock even the most seasoned parent or teacher. To be able to reach young people that are involved in any of these behaviors, we must first address the addiction and bring it under control. This must be done by a professional.

When choosing a therapist, it is absolutely crucial that parents find a one who practices al pi derech haTorah. Boruch Hashem, we have in our midst many highly qualified therapists that are themselves Bnei Torah of the highest caliber and are available to help any family in need. Parents must understand that effective rehabilitation requires spirituality to be an ingredient in the recovery process and therefore, they must be sure that this spirituality is Torah-based.

DRUGS AND ALCOHOL ARE NOT THE PROBLEM
Many people mistakenly believe that drugs or alcohol are the main factors that cause young people to stray. In truth, drugs addiction– or any other inappropriate behavior – are merely a person’s way to fill an aching void within. Many of our youth feel a severe spiritual hollowness inside and, with nowhere else to turn for fulfillment, they turn to these easy “problem-solvers.” The root of the problem is the emptiness; their solution is to get high.

To effectively deal with addiction problems we must first fill that void with real ruchnius. We must show them that they have the ability, no matter how far away they may feel, to have a deep and meaningful relationship with Hashem. They are capable of experiencing and truly feeling His Hashgocha Pratis in their own lives and relate to Him in a very real way. They have to see and hear and truly feel the utter geshmak that comes from an exhilarating moment of Torah learning or heartfelt Tefillah. Most of all, they must learn that true happiness – lasting happiness – can only be found in a life committed to these ideals.

To accomplish this, parents have to teach by example and show their children that these same ideals are central to their own lives. Only then can they expect to impart these feelings to their children.

EVERYONE NEEDS A FAMILY
No matter what they say and no matter how they act, even the most estranged children yearn to be welcomed members of their family again. It is imperative that parents and siblings understand this and learn to embrace them wholeheartedly and accept him or her for who they are now. Of course, this must be balanced with a firm set of rules and consequences, which is why family counseling is very often helpful, if not necessary. As we noted earlier, it is crucial to find a counselor who has genuine Torah Hashkafos and sensitivity to the needs of the religious family.

EVERYONE NEEDS A YESHIVA
Yes! No matter what they say and no matter how they act, most young men or women that have gone astray truly want to be a part of the Yeshiva world. They feel that they never meant to abandon the society that raised them. On the contrary, it was their community and friends that rejected them. They will not be able to make real progress until they feel the friendship and acceptance return.

Indeed, we have found that one of the most important elements of our alternative high school is its mentoring program, which pairs up students with dynamic bochrim and yungeleit from our Yeshiva Zichron Aryeh and Kollel Ner Yehoshua on a regular basis. These mentors have been specially trained to understand the mindset of troubled teens, relate to them with the utmost sincerity and shower them with acceptance. As soon as they can demonstrate to our students that the Yeshiva world is not judgmental or intimidating, the barriers fall down and very often the results are amazing!

TRAINING IS THE KEY
The success of our mentoring program has taught us another important lesson: a little training can go a long way. I believe that a training program is the single solution that can, B’ezras Hashem, prevent the vast majority of our children’s difficulties from becoming at-risk situations.

We all sincerely want the best for our children or students. Unfortunately, many of us lack the basic training and experience that is needed for success. It is amazing and frightening to think that all professionals, no matter what their field may be, are required (sometimes by law) to undergo training, certification and often, ongoing enrichment to maintain their jobs. Yet Klal Yisroel’s two most important professionals – parents and teachers – are not required to undergo any significant training whatsoever.

If we as a community would join together to support – and attend – training workshops for parents and teachers we would certainly see major progress in the battle to prevent this critical issue from threatening all of us.

Concluding a recent meeting with the leadership of Priority-1, the posek hador, Maran Harav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv stated emphatically that the need for training is “pashut u’barur and a matter of pikuach nefesh.”